You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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