omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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