Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
