OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We left an ass print on the piano.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
