Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize