Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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