Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
