Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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