I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
