If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
two words: eviction party
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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