Umm I'm too high to move.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize