she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
