The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
