Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
