That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
