Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
