Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Houston, we have a squirter
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
