i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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