dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
