i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
