you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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