We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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