the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
