3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
