matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
