I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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