this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
