there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
