If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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