the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
