just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
