Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
