After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
