If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
