I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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