You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
