i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Couch. On fire.
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