how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
