just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Randomize
