i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
