You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize