Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
