What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
