It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
