My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
