No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
