Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
