he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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