He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Holy sore nipples Batman
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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