I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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