I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
