you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
