What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
