hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Randomize
