She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
