you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
