I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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