Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
