OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
